Savoring the Page

During this last trip I learned to paddle board.  For me it was like riding a bike.  When I first learned to ride a bike, I fell down a lot.  It sucked.  I couldn't do it.  It was a day of frustration.  The same on the paddle board.  A lot of falling, and I had to stop when I was too tired to pull up onto the board anymore. The second day, something inside my brain clicked and I was up within minutes.  Just like the bike. I learned: to look forward, not down, the paddle is suppose to be in what looks like the backwards position, I want to work out more when I get home, I was glad I didn't pay for a lesson, that when I was tired, I could sit down and paddle, and I didn't care ever about what anyone thought. There was one day, I paddled way too far.  I kept head up, watching the houses that were just down the beach from my condo.  Learned some new places to try and snorkel.  When I turned around to come back, I was way out...

Today I've decided to just jump back in. Okay, just came back from Hawaii, the most beautiful place to me on the planet.  We were in Maui and hung out on the beach without a plan the entire time.  Beautiful. I love Hawaii because Ohana ( family)  has tremendous deep spiritual meaning there.   They are simply there for each other, without fixing anything, (maybe they do).  Truth is I can see and feel how they love and support each other.  Again beautiful. I noticed the native Hawaiians have these cool tribal tattoos.  I learned from the beautiful ladies taking care of the condo, they usually represent Ohana.  The tattoos are all about honor, love and respect for the Ohana in their lives.  After hearing this, seeing the tattoos opened my heart to all the ideas of what love is. I know my Highest Power is in the connection to all my special relationships.  I'm grateful for all of them and everything they teach me. I love snorkeli...

I finally went to see " Guardians of the Galaxy"  and I loved it.  I loved everything about it.  The music, the story, the attitude, the flawed characters. It was fun, and it'll be part of my "change my energy" movie list, when I need to get out of a funk.  Don't get me wrong,  a walk and working out is a fine way to get out of a low mood.  I reluctantly admit a good movie can do the same thing. I'm not good at hanging out on my exercise equipment and watching a movie.  It just feels too disconnected.  When I work out I try to go as hard as I can for the shortest amount of time as possible. I've been using the workouts from MyThoughtCoach.com  for years.  I've taken a break for a while, but I feel the pull to get back into the interval work outs.

I know I haven't been writing lately.  It's been a choice really to decided to put the kids and others first all the time.  Sometimes instead of writing I read instead.  Even if it's a few minutes, I want to put writing into my routine. We just returned home today from a trip to O'Hare airport.  We had a wonderful appointment with a Global Entry officer.  John took two kids and I took two kids, and John's appointment was much faster than mine.  I tend to chat it up whenever I meet someone new. Turned out the officer was a kindred spirit.  I love typewriters, he loves fountain pens.  We talked about the old school way of communicating and how it seems to have become more of a lost art.  He told the kids nothing is better than getting a hand written note in the real mail, and they should consider doing it. I notice how easy it is for me to be so patient with perfect strangers, and the complete opposite towards my children at times.  ...

Okay, LOVED it!  Big thumbs up from this humble reviewer.  I did my best to not give anything away since it's still in theaters. Last night I took my girls to see a movie they had already seen with their dad.  I heard good things from them, and I was intrigued. My attention for this movie was peeked in an article about the writer of a major scene.  Here's a link to the article , about editing the scene caused the writer to cry each time she went through it. Right from the start of the movie, I noticed my emotional reaction to this idealistic fantasy world this fairy comes from.  It was so well done, I wanted to protect it.  The writers, didn't disappoint in drawing me in more by making Malificent the guardian of such a place. The movie had me tearing up throughout because it reached into the depths of sorrow and loss, beauty, and consequences based on the choices of greed, ambition, and love.  Near the end of the movie, I was almost jumping out...

The anniversary for Marilena just nine days past.  I'm still learning on this journey of grief.  I'll always be learning on the journey of life.  I'm more productive since the date has past.  Plus the kids are home from school.  I'm learning how to balance what I want to do with responsibilities. Here is a poem, I wrote to help me process the six year anniversary of my beautiful daughters still birth.  It gave me a taste of release I feel when I write something that's all mine.  I do love writing when I do it. Six years ago.   I suffered. I passed through a death door Parts died. As in thoughts of me  Like... All babies are born safely.  And everything bad in my life is because I failed. My unworthiness. Perfectionism. Separation. I'll always be walking through doors,  Of Acceptance, Of Anger,  Of letting go, Of peace, Love. I can choose every day  How I want to remember. By focusing on m...

June 8 is the six year anniversary for my daughter Marilena's (Mary -Lane- Ah)  still birth at 39 weeks.  Today a grief wave has hit me.  I literally felt knocked down today.  This time I'm reaching out.  I'm writing.  I've been calling friends and when I feel like crying I'm going to let it out.  Even if I have to call a friend over, which I did this morning to watch Luc while I be with what I'm feeling.   Part of me thought, "I thought I was okay with all this."  And most of me is okay, and there's a part of me still kicking and screaming wishing I was celebrating a six year olds birthday soon.  It wants to see her play with her siblings in addition to all the good I have now. When I sit with that feeling and try to imagine my life different than it is now.  It's all fake.  It's forced. Trying to imagine a six year old here can only happen in my imagination.  It's aggravating to try. It can't be better than what I ha...