Thursday, January 30, 2014

Savoring the words of Stephen Levine

"You watch your mind to see who are are not.  I watch my mind to gain a sense of its content, which as always been my pain.  As I watch it, I get a sense of its impermanence.  Thoughts come and go as part of a process.  I see how content dissolves into process and begin to see the patterns in the process.  Realizing it isn't MY suffering, MY pain, it becomes THE pain.  I've gone from the tiny, the small, and the individual to the universal.  I feel OUR pain.  When we do, we go from fear to compassion.  Fear is MY pain, compassion is THE pain. ~ Stephen Levine

A dear friend of mine gave this poem to me because she felt it was something good for me to read.  And it knocked me over.

This poem feels like it was absolutely written for me.  It's says for me what I cannot say about something in my spirit right now.  I've been realizing since the passing of my daughter, a pivotal life event for me, that the thoughts living in my head are mostly lies, yes MOST of them.  The ones that make me suffer, are the biggest lies.

I have been watching my mind to see exactly who I am NOT.  I am the exact opposite of what I have thought I was for so long.  The content I've absorbed most of my life has been totally completely not true, and a huge source of pain for me.  And for this I’m so grateful, more peaceful, and more willing to be easier on myself, to love myself.

It's only recently that I get a sense of the "impermanence" he is talking about.  If I'm patient with myself, I'm learning the suffering thoughts do pass.  And I love when they do, and when they do, I don't brace myself for the next one.  I know not to take the next one so damn seriously.  Thank God for this.

At first I didn't know what he meant by process, so I looked it up.  

process : a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end:

And what comes to me is there is no end when it comes to suffering thoughts, this I know.  I've heard Dr. Wayne Dyer talk about thoughts as a stock market line always going and going and changing.  I like to think of our thoughts this way, just background noise, most can just pass on by.  Buh Bye.

I got tripped up in "it becomes THE pain."  And I realize he is at a space I have not joined in yet.  I’m going there, it’s on the edge of my understanding.

The last line of the poem made me think people upset collectively doesn’t help anyone, it creates a pity party.  Everyone spirals down to a negative space.  If one person can elevate above the suffering thoughts, then at least something productive can happen.

Stephen Levine's work helped me remember my suffering thoughts, any thoughts I have are not new.  They are “our pain”.  I'd like to read more of his stuff. 

Deep thoughts today.  Sending my best to all.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Savoring the lessons

I have not been doing my routines.  What is my deal?  I resist looking at the to do list, even though when I do it, I feel better, great even.  Just writing that makes me determined to do my evening routine, and get back on track.  I’ve just decided to print it out and put it on my bathroom mirror.  

I was watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday (SSS) on Tuesday night.  DH was out of town, and I was toasted after my third day alone with the kids.  I love my kids.  Why have I been so overloaded?  I know this answer, because I don’t take time for myself.  

I have about 25 episodes of SSS stored on my Tivo. I decided on the Carolyn Myss interview.  She was first on Oprah Show about 15 years ago, and I actually remember some of those episodes.  It was a deep conversation about life, and following your purpose.  It resonated with me that not being happy is a choice and a betrayal against myself.  And even though I didn’t get through the whole episode, I added a bunch of new affirmations to my list of personal ones.  I’ll include those at the end of this piece.

What comes around goes around
Life is so funny.  I judged the hell out of my mother about being overloaded when I was a teenager.  My mom would hear things from my dad like, "You have the life of Rielly.  What could you possibly be doing all day?"  And I would hear those judgements, and like a sponge I’d judge judge judge her.  Now that I’m in my forties I know she was depressed.  And I know for sure she was listening to her negative thoughts otherwise I’d have happier memories.  

Now I judge judge judge myself.  I can break into my dad’s judgement talk at any time it’s one of the negative voices inside my head that I don’t believe in anymore.  I’ve decided I’m not playing that game.  Period. 

Here are those affirmations 
I graciously accept good into my life right now. 
I deserve abundance. 
I am financially secure. 
I am supported  abundantly today and every day in my future.
I have never lost my life purpose. 
I refuse to carry judgments, about my life.
I give up any expectations about anything.
I give up the need to know what happens tomorrow. 
I am fully present.
I appreciate fully all that is in my life right now.
The only help I'm every really going to find is my own, this is good news.
(All of the above inspired from the SSS show.)
I am the one that knows how to take care of myself.
I will not and do not focus on anything that does not belong to me. 
I will not hang on to any rage within this body. 
I easily hear and understand the inner voice of spirit.
I am fully present and appreciate my life. 
I will never should all over myself. 
Forgiveness is realizing that what I thought, didn't happen.
I joyously run forward to greet life’s wonderful experiences.


Monday, January 20, 2014

How can your jaw and seeing clearly be linked?

I'm learning the only one who punishes me is myself.  I'm learning I've been too hard on myself for too long.  I'm learning most of the time when I’m reacting to something it's because I am reacting to something else. Something I didn’t realize was on my radar.

My prayer this year is for clarity.  Lack of this is the reason I've been unable to break patterns in the past.  I’m a master at stuffing my feelings down.  It was only when I was pregnant that I wouldn’t be able to do it.  Therefore, when I was pregnant, as happy as I was, there were times when I suffered because I would just blow from all the stress of trying so hard to keep myself together.

I went to get a massage recently, and the massage therapist said, “People don’t realize that the body has memory.  Everything you have ever seen, or done, every breath you’ve ever taken is stored in the cells of your body.  We hold it all.”  
“How do you let it go?” I asked.
“I don’t know, I’m not sure it’s the same answer for everyone.  But it helps when you can relax.  That’s why I love what I do.  I help people relax, but there’s only so much I can do.  The rest is up to you.”

I will no longer be a slave to the past anymore.  It's the triggers of the past that cause the over reactions of my present.   I choose instead to go another path.  Do I sound convincing?  I’m doing my best to convince myself.  

I’ve recently bought the book by Iyanla Vanzant, “Forgiveness: 21 Days to forgiving everyone for everything.”  Ha!  I know that’s every 21 days for the rest of my life.  More on that book later and how it impacts me.  The little bit I’ve read is very powerful, and addresses unconscious actions.

A few months ago, I went to the orthodontist thinking I was going to get my teeth corrected and improve my smile.  Instead, I found out what I need to concentrate on is my jaw joint.  It turns out that because of my severe overbite, the TMJ that I thought went away really just wore away my jaw joint.  I still have some joint left.  Thank you for that.  However, protocol for this is to wear a splint in my mouth to save it.  Basically, if I don't address this issue now, then I will be be stuck with soft food for the rest of my life and a very week jaw joint.  

The splint is like a retainer and it enables me to make a full bite all around my teeth.  Before the splint I was only making contact on two spaces on either side of my bite.  Thanks to the splint, I realized I was doing serious acrobats with my tongue to eat my food.  Now I am taking, normal bites and it's been quite eye opening for me.  What can be done more unconsciously than eating?

There seems to be a parallel thing going on with this jaw thing and seeing clearly.  I know this is also going to help me change my patterns.  I'd just like to do this whole thing in the most positive manner I can.  That's why I'm here, writing to you.  I don't want to repeat my suffering in silence m.o. again.  Especially when I realize this is a choice for wellness.  

Thanks for reading this.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Year of the Routine in 2014

Here is another thing I've been putting off.  The routine schedule for me and my kids.  I've been so hard on myself about this.  I think I've had to be in order to realize how insane it is to be hard on myself.  Being hard on myself at one time in my life would motivate the shit out of me to get moving.  Now all it does is stall me up.

I've been a FLY BABY for quite a long time.  As in 12 years I've been fluttering with my routines on and off.  For a while I was soaring.  I had so much under control with the house, it gave me confidence.  I became a pro at making the lists and updating and doing them for a while.  I'd fall off the routine thing and then I'd always have a decent Flylady base to get back into it.  

Emotional Land mine

Then in 2008, I experienced a stillbirth.  I don't want to go into the details of that in this blog post but I'd like to share how grief caused me to get out of a very productive time in my life.  I dropped the smooth running routine machine and I road the grief waves that carried me through the past five years. I know the lessons from that loss are still not over.

 I tried getting back on track but every time I tried I'd remember things.  Stuff that made me suffer like, "I was in the middle of making a new routine that included the new baby." Boom, land mine, "She didn't come, she's never going to come." Boom. Back to being hard on myself again.  I've played this out too much. It's only hurt  me.  I choose to stop playing.  It's the Year of the Routine!

Now to keep me motivated, to selfishly take care of myself.  I'm going to share the routine I've created for me and for my kids.  I use the Cozi app on all of our electronic devices and I check at night to see if we have all done our routines.  There's a satisfying check box that crosses out everything you have completed.  Kids check them and I uncheck them at night.  Hooray!

I'd like to share that so far this year we haven't experienced yelling or  screaming in the morning.  I haven't had to drive the kids to school.  No one has missed breakfast yet.  And at night, kids are getting in bed earlier and lunches are being made.  We get along so much better.   I feel myself wanting to backslide.  It's like an invisible wet blanket I feel over me in the winter and I don't want to move.  It's so subtle.  I'm grateful I'm noticing it now.

Here is to changing my patterns in 2014.  This is for me to honor my angel in heaven and become a better mom for my angel children I can see and feel. 

I love myself Morning Routine 2014 
  • Are you doing your best?
  • Rise and shine ( at least earlier than kids) ACIM LESSON
  • Meditate/ Pray. Thank you, I love you, I am as God created me. (Take time if you can!)
  • Bathroom, shower, face, clean up 
  • Make bed
  • Dress to shoes
  • Start laundry
  • Empty dishwasher
  • Help kids do their routines
  • Start breakfast
  • Feed family, include me.
  • Take vitamins and DRINK water! 
  • Check schedule and calendar/ to do list 
  • What is for dinner?
  • Hit the hot spots
  • Kid craft for today?
Kids Routines 
I've made one for each kid in Cozi and they have been tweaking it as we go.  For example my little girl with super curly hair has has to dampen her hair and scrunch it instead of comb it, otherwise it's a mess.

  • Get dressed to socks
  • Check your time
  • Do your personal grooming routine: teeth, face, straighten your hair? Before you go downstairs
  • Make your bed
  • Make sure your room is locked because of little guy.
  • Check the time
  • Make/eat breakfast
  • Clear your place (plate & cup in dishwasher)
  • Get back pack ( homework ?/ Papers signed?)
  • Get shoes and coat by door
  • Be ready for bus by 7:15am (Are you doing your best?)
  • Is there time left to practice your instrument? 
It's all still a work in progress.  No more putting things off in 2014!  Best to you!

Thursday, January 9, 2014

This is something I've wanted to do for a long time.

I've been hesitating for a long time about this.  Maybe I'm alone in this, but I've been afraid to come out of my shell.  Somehow, creating a blog is my way of doing this.  It's my way saying to myself in the best way I know how, Hey you can do this.  Maybe someone will read it, and any kind of response will help motivate you.  Anything from anyone is better than nothing at all.

So hi world wide web. I've done it.  I'm here, and I'm going to start posting about all the things that I want to savor.  I want to savor my lessons in this life and learn them in the most positive manner.  I want to savor my husband, my children, my shelter, my food, my drink, and yes, even my water.

My favorite book is The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien and I've read that book many times.  It's beautiful to get lost in the words of story. I savor each page.

How I feel about that savoring process fills me with passion and energy.  I don't see a reason why this couldn't permeate the rest of my life.  And since writing is also a passion of mine.  I choose to blog about all the things I want to savor, so I can bring the same energy into it all.

That is the theme of this blog and my first blog post ever.