Sunday, March 9, 2014

Free write #2

Okay set the timer again for ten minutes in and I'm just going to let loose, and go.  I know the last time I did this some heavy stuff came out.  And I believe that is where I'm suppose to "go" when I'm letting it all loose. 

Maybe blog posts aren't suppose to be free write… open writes… open chakra.  I experienced a closed throat after I did the last free write and I didn't post it.  I felt off, like something was wrong, and I actually believe I stressed myself out by not posting it.  Once I posted it, I felt so much better.  

I just want to feel free to say whatever I needed to say.  And the biggest thing for me is feeling free to talk about my transformational journey I'm on.

When we went to Hawaii back at the end of September beginning of October, we met this Kahuna name Alalani and she recognized what was happening to me before I did.  She said, “You are experiencing a spiritual awakening and it makes you lonely at times.”  She was so right.  I had been feeling lonely while all of these revelations where exploding in my head while I was going through ACIM*.  I would feel this sense of total peace with the lessons, and then I'd want to talk about it to someone, but there wasn't anyone.    

And I've been experiencing dreams in a way more vivid manner than I have my whole life.  The dreams have been symbolic and I know I need to make more time to learn from them.

Time, that is my problem.  I feel as though I am not a good steward of my time and and I real want to work on that.  I tend to "squirrel" my way through life.  And I love using that word "squirrel" because I picture the dogs from "Up" in my head and I love them.  

I've created a women's circle group.  I've only asked a handful of friends to come to it, because its a meeting, an authentic meeting between friends talking about exactly the things I really want to talk about.  The last meeting was about being in the moment, and how I learned about mushim which is a Korean word for "no mind." Something I've learned from my Hapkido Master back in Lombard.  

I missed him something terrible.  After I left in 2009 I grieved the loss of going to that school.  However, I know I'm not suppose to be learning under him anymore.  Things are as they should be, to deny that causes chaos for me. He is one that has pointed to wisdom, but has never claimed to be wise.  He points to being in balance, but doesn't pretend that he perfected it.  He just does what he is suppose to do.  I love his example.

Time’s up.  Thank you!

*ACIM = A Course In Miracles.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Kids finally back at school

It's 2:30 pm on March 5th.  I don't have much time so this is going to be a free write blog post.  Here we go.  Setting a 15 minute timer.

We had some quality time with the flu at my house for the past two weeks.  This is my first real quiet time.  It's about to end in less than an hour.  Luc is down for his nap.  I cannot believe he is going to be 2 years old soon.  He is such a learning experience.  It's a whole new perspective.

This new perspective thing feels like a theme in my life right now.  I've been obsessed with reading this book,  “Joy's Way - A Map for the Transformational Journey” by W. Brugh Joy.  I finished the book today and I feel like I know this guy, or he knows me.  I've been on a transformational journey, and it feels lately like it’s picking up speed.  One pivotal moment feels like the start of it all, because it feels like life before and after this event are two different lifetimes.

June 8, 2008 when I gave birth to a still born baby girl, named Marilena (Mary-Lane-Ah).  Yes, I guess I'm going there.  I realize every moment of the experience of her; pregnancy, birth, the fall out of all the stages of grief I went through, all of it, is the start of my transformational journey.  It's still unfolding. I'm grateful.

The six year anniversary is approaching.  Also, a very significant number for me besides the number eight.  Feng shui is heavy into numbers.  

When I moved, I was just one year into my grief.  I read the book, “Move Your Stuff Change Your Life” by Karen Carter, and it opened a simple door to Feng Shui.  I would put pieces of construction paper under my furniture. Trying to get out of negative patterns within.  I noticed how crystals would amp up the energy in a room.  I would get excited when I saw a house with a red door, or had numbers that added up to the number nine.

Nine is a number I'm always heading towards.  All I wanted from the start of my grief was for it to be over.  I went to a counselor who focused on grief, and it became almost a joke with us, almost.  I'd ask almost every session at least one of the questions, "How much longer do I have to go through this? I don't want to feel this way anymore. Will the crying stop soon? Is there a good estimated grief end time?”  
And she'd always say, "I wouldn't be honoring you if I tried to answer that question."
Nine is a number of completion.

Hind site causes me to look at that beautiful woman I was with love.  I never really had love or compassion for her before.  I'm able to look at her differently because part of me couldn't believe I could live in a world where babies die.  Then, I couldn't believe in anything, because once I started denying facts it was a path to chaos.  Death seemed like it was everywhere for me and I wanted out. 

Feng shui became a lifeline for me.  I needed the mystery of it during a time the world wasn't understandable so I could get through my days.   I felt if I could influence the energy in my house I could somehow change mine.  It was one of my many tools I used to cope. 

Hey that will be a good future blog post.  Tools that helped me cope with my grief.  

Time's up, free write over.  
Kids are home.  
More on Joy's Way and transformation when I can.  I'll quickly proof this tonight and post, without looking back. 

 9:17pm kids in bed, finally, thank you!  After being sick we, mostly I, fell off the routine wagon.  We’ll have to baby step our way back on.