It's 2:30 pm on March 5th. I don't have much time so this is going to be a free write blog post. Here we go. Setting a 15 minute timer.
We had some quality time with the flu at my house for the past two weeks. This is my first real quiet time. It's about to end in less than an hour. Luc is down for his nap. I cannot believe he is going to be 2 years old soon. He is such a learning experience. It's a whole new perspective.
This new perspective thing feels like a theme in my life right now. I've been obsessed with reading this book, “Joy's Way - A Map for the Transformational Journey” by W. Brugh Joy. I finished the book today and I feel like I know this guy, or he knows me. I've been on a transformational journey, and it feels lately like it’s picking up speed. One pivotal moment feels like the start of it all, because it feels like life before and after this event are two different lifetimes.
June 8, 2008 when I gave birth to a still born baby girl, named Marilena (Mary-Lane-Ah). Yes, I guess I'm going there. I realize every moment of the experience of her; pregnancy, birth, the fall out of all the stages of grief I went through, all of it, is the start of my transformational journey. It's still unfolding. I'm grateful.
The six year anniversary is approaching. Also, a very significant number for me besides the number eight. Feng shui is heavy into numbers.
When I moved, I was just one year into my grief. I read the book, “Move Your Stuff Change Your Life” by Karen Carter, and it opened a simple door to Feng Shui. I would put pieces of construction paper under my furniture. Trying to get out of negative patterns within. I noticed how crystals would amp up the energy in a room. I would get excited when I saw a house with a red door, or had numbers that added up to the number nine.
Nine is a number I'm always heading towards. All I wanted from the start of my grief was for it to be over. I went to a counselor who focused on grief, and it became almost a joke with us, almost. I'd ask almost every session at least one of the questions, "How much longer do I have to go through this? I don't want to feel this way anymore. Will the crying stop soon? Is there a good estimated grief end time?”
And she'd always say, "I wouldn't be honoring you if I tried to answer that question."
Nine is a number of completion.
Hind site causes me to look at that beautiful woman I was with love. I never really had love or compassion for her before. I'm able to look at her differently because part of me couldn't believe I could live in a world where babies die. Then, I couldn't believe in anything, because once I started denying facts it was a path to chaos. Death seemed like it was everywhere for me and I wanted out.
Feng shui became a lifeline for me. I needed the mystery of it during a time the world wasn't understandable so I could get through my days. I felt if I could influence the energy in my house I could somehow change mine. It was one of my many tools I used to cope.
Hey that will be a good future blog post. Tools that helped me cope with my grief.
Time's up, free write over.
Kids are home.
More on Joy's Way and transformation when I can. I'll quickly proof this tonight and post, without looking back.
9:17pm kids in bed, finally, thank you! After being sick we, mostly I, fell off the routine wagon. We’ll have to baby step our way back on.