Posts

Showing posts from 2018

What is happening here..

What it is ain’t exactly clear.

Is it ever?  Is it possible to go through life thinking that this is IT.  This is the way of it?

So far...NOPE.  Nega-tor Skelator!

I've tried the "looser grip" on things around me --  perspective wise.  For me, it's being present, but with a distance. It's like watching a movie.

I got that one from listening to John Mark Stroud's stuff on his site, OneWhoWakes.com.  He comments during movies on his site and shares lessons he's learned on his journey.  "Watch yourself watch the movie." He says.  And I've enjoyed that.

How about life at a pace of a beautiful rowboat in calm waters?  Is there anyone who just goes that way?  I think that's a fairy tale.

I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.  I'm still figuring out what I believe in, really.  It sounds cheese but the greatest thing I believe in... love.

Now I have the scene from Princess Bride in my head, "Wuv, twu wuv, will follow you forevah…

Happy Anniversary

Today is 10 years since the still birth.  PJ’s are still on and it’s 10am.  There’s a lot of emotion today, and I'm letting the emotions have their way with me.  It's not a constant crying...but more like ...after 10 years.... I'm like, "Oh I didn't know that was in there.  Okay.  It's okay, you can have your space."  You know ?  I'm learning.
I'm realizing that I'm always going to be processing something for as long as I’m human.
I'm learning what I want to watch for is the arrogance that comes from thinking I’m done learning.
If there’s breathing,
There’s learning,
When there’s breathing,
Then there’s appreciating that there’s at least this breath until it's gone.

I remember on the day, my husband was driving me to the hospital, he said, “Life is like a box of chocolates.”  And in the car I looked at him like... really?  Seriously?   This makes me laugh so much now.  He was like, “What? It is!”

Today I took a bite and it was grie…

So much to talk about, nothing to talk about

I'm in a hyper aware (of myself) mode lately.  This one has been coming undone.

I keep writing in my journal, "something is happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear."  I believe I have been writing that particular fragment of a song in my journal for years.  (Then the song plays in my busy mind.)  Only lately, as in the past few years it feels more true.  Something has been happening, there is a genuine breaking apart of myself.  Self is dying.

I'm talking about the one that was so worried about stuff.  I see how I have stressed about the looks on faces.  Unconsciously I'd worry when I didn't see something.   There had to be some kind of acknowledgment or approval... come on, at least neutral. When I'd be completely snubbed, I'd feel like I was in trouble.  Wow.  I had no f#@&*ing idea.  This concept was running in my head unchecked for, like, ever.

I literally set a timer on my phone to relax.  I have been bending rings, and hurting m…

Joesph Campbell and No place to rest

I recently watched this documentary, "Finding Joe." It was sooo good.  I love this Joe Campell guy. 

His books helped so much when I discovered my love of writing.  Only recently I'm getting it that, if I don't write even a little bit every day, there is a symptom to it.  It's similar to not eating and getting crabby and impatient.  Wow, writing for me is a basic form of my own self care.  I thought I was doing it, but I get it, that I haven't been taking this self care concept very seriously.  I'm grateful for a lot of the new concepts coming in, I hope to explore them later.

Joesph Campbell studied the heck out of all the religions, myths, and legends of the world.  He boiled all if it down to the Hero's Journey formula, a circle.  A never ending circle, so in a way, even though the hero stories seem to have an ending, they all point to beginnings within. 

It's not typical for me to quote the bible, but this circle made me think of the verse abo…

Wow, has it been that long?

*** January post.  Here it is. ***

I'm noticing that its been forever since I last posted.  I am noticing the I am not quite the same person I was the last time I took a moment to write here.

I read that quote about raising kids to be productive members of society, and I am not even sure what I thought that meant?  Does it mean go with the flow?  Follow rules?  Get good jobs?  What is a productive member of society anyway?  It's so general and I cannot even connect with my own words I wrote back then.  It all feels too careful.

I think about my kids as they are growing and I want them to listen to their hearts.  Now what the hell does that mean?  I think it means, when they have an idea and they want to try it, then GO.  If they feel a longing to do something, because that is what their feeling the pull to do, I want them to GO.  If they feel scared, then I hope they GO anyway.

I have been afraid for too long.  I'm not playing anymore.  I've been feeling so afraid for…