Wow, has it been that long?

*** January post.  Here it is. ***

I'm noticing that its been forever since I last posted.  I am noticing the I am not quite the same person I was the last time I took a moment to write here.

I read that quote about raising kids to be productive members of society, and I am not even sure what I thought that meant?  Does it mean go with the flow?  Follow rules?  Get good jobs?  What is a productive member of society anyway?  It's so general and I cannot even connect with my own words I wrote back then.  It all feels too careful.

I think about my kids as they are growing and I want them to listen to their hearts.  Now what the hell does that mean?  I think it means, when they have an idea and they want to try it, then GO.  If they feel a longing to do something, because that is what their feeling the pull to do, I want them to GO.  If they feel scared, then I hope they GO anyway.

I have been afraid for too long.  I'm not playing anymore.  I've been feeling so afraid for so long, and all I'm afraid of isn't even there.

Okay now I feel like that's too floaty too.  Is this just my thoughts coming in trying to shit on my blog post?  Who do I think I am trying to just jump in and friggin' try and write about what is going on in my head?  No one wants to read this crap.  What for?

I see you fear.

Fear of saying something wrong or looking the wrong way.  The fear is so real I wonder if I should change my name on this blog.  Make the thoughts I'm thinking more invisible.  It's a desire to protect from everything.  Am I divulging too much information about myself somehow.  Wow that fear is there and I can feel it in my chest.

Interesting.
What else am I afraid of?

I'm afraid to admit I've been a people pleaser for most of my life. I didn't realize how severe it was until recently.  I've been watching myself and watching my thoughts and how I do things, and it's alway seems to be, that most of what motivates me is from fear of doing things wrong.

I see you again. 

This whole blog thing, it's for me.  It's what I want to do, I want to access the inner space within, the space that holds the space for my life.  And without judgement, I join in the spacious place that I hit when I am in meditation. 

I enjoy typing and writing right now because I can access that space to feel free.  The space where I feel like I can be anything I want to or not and all is well, and all will be well anyway.