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Showing posts from May, 2018

So much to talk about, nothing to talk about

I'm in a hyper aware (of myself) mode lately.  This one has been coming undone.

I keep writing in my journal, "something is happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear."  I believe I have been writing that particular fragment of a song in my journal for years.  (Then the song plays in my busy mind.)  Only lately, as in the past few years it feels more true.  Something has been happening, there is a genuine breaking apart of myself.  Self is dying.

I'm talking about the one that was so worried about stuff.  I see how I have stressed about the looks on faces.  Unconsciously I'd worry when I didn't see something.   There had to be some kind of acknowledgment or approval... come on, at least neutral. When I'd be completely snubbed, I'd feel like I was in trouble.  Wow.  I had no f#@&*ing idea.  This concept was running in my head unchecked for, like, ever.

I literally set a timer on my phone to relax.  I have been bending rings, and hurting m…