So much to talk about, nothing to talk about

I'm in a hyper aware (of myself) mode lately.  This one has been coming undone.

I keep writing in my journal, "something is happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear."  I believe I have been writing that particular fragment of a song in my journal for years.  (Then the song plays in my busy mind.)  Only lately, as in the past few years it feels more true.  Something has been happening, there is a genuine breaking apart of myself.  Self is dying.

I'm talking about the one that was so worried about stuff.  I see how I have stressed about the looks on faces.  Unconsciously I'd worry when I didn't see something.   There had to be some kind of acknowledgment or approval... come on, at least neutral. When I'd be completely snubbed, I'd feel like I was in trouble.  Wow.  I had no f#@&*ing idea.  This concept was running in my head unchecked for, like, ever.

I literally set a timer on my phone to relax.  I have been bending rings, and hurting myself because I've been so tightly wound.  My phone timer would go off every 30,  and there would be this continual, assessing, "Oh wow, I'm so frigging tense."  Then 20 minutes, then 10, to the point I was kind of driving myself nuts with the timer going off.

Dude, I'm in shock and awe at my capacity to be so stressed.  It's like looking in the mirror and not realizing my nose is on fire.  I've been on fire for a long time, and if the cancer showed me anything it's that I cannot continue the old patterns anymore.

I cannot continue the old patterns.  Writing that one makes me want to just go to bed.  Part of me isn't sure I have it in me, and then another part totally knows I can do this.  That's my Seer (see -er).  This highest part tells me I can do anything.  The part that can't see shit says, "You can't see your patterns.  They are invisible.  Hopeless."
The Seer says, " Yes you can.  Just focus."
"It's not easy."
"Nothing is easy.  You totally know this."
"I want super easy.  I want to just... poof, and have things fixed.  I'm tired. I want to see myself excited about life, and have more energy, and be happier, and not worry, and just coast.  I want things to relax a little.  I'm so sick of striving.  I'm so done.  I'm SO DONE!"
"Lighten up.  Your perception is just off a little.  You are fine.  It's the journey. Remember the poem, The Station by Hastings?"

Both sides always running, so much to talk about and nothing to talk about.  It's the silence when the conversation stops that I find the infinite patterns stop.

Jac O'Keeffe answered a question to someone about a shortcut to a quiet mind or something.  I can't remember the question, but I LOVE this answer, "Focus on where the origin of the next thought is going to come from.  Don't ask me how.  Don't ask me how."  I like that the most.  Dr. Wayne Dyer recommended to try to think of what your next thought is going to be.  Ahh the quiet is so peaceful when I find it.

Breaks  over.  I love writing about this stuff.  Thank you!

Comments

  1. Love you and your writing! Keep it up. And thanks for making ME take a minute to relax and just read. :)

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