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So much to talk about, nothing to talk about

I'm in a hyper aware (of myself) mode lately.  This one has been coming undone.

I keep writing in my journal, "something is happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear."  I believe I have been writing that particular fragment of a song in my journal for years.  (Then the song plays in my busy mind.)  Only lately, as in the past few years it feels more true.  Something has been happening, there is a genuine breaking apart of myself.  Self is dying.

I'm talking about the one that was so worried about stuff.  I see how I have stressed about the looks on faces.  Unconsciously I'd worry when I didn't see something.   There had to be some kind of acknowledgment or approval... come on, at least neutral. When I'd be completely snubbed, I'd feel like I was in trouble.  Wow.  I had no f#@&*ing idea.  This concept was running in my head unchecked for, like, ever.

I literally set a timer on my phone to relax.  I have been bending rings, and hurting m…

Joesph Campbell and No place to rest

I recently watched this documentary, "Finding Joe." It was sooo good.  I love this Joe Campell guy. 

His books helped so much when I discovered my love of writing.  Only recently I'm getting it that, if I don't write even a little bit every day, there is a symptom to it.  It's similar to not eating and getting crabby and impatient.  Wow, writing for me is a basic form of my own self care.  I thought I was doing it, but I get it, that I haven't been taking this self care concept very seriously.  I'm grateful for a lot of the new concepts coming in, I hope to explore them later.

Joesph Campbell studied the heck out of all the religions, myths, and legends of the world.  He boiled all if it down to the Hero's Journey formula, a circle.  A never ending circle, so in a way, even though the hero stories seem to have an ending, they all point to beginnings within. 

It's not typical for me to quote the bible, but this circle made me think of the verse abo…

Wow, has it been that long?

*** January post.  Here it is. ***

I'm noticing that its been forever since I last posted.  I am noticing the I am not quite the same person I was the last time I took a moment to write here.

I read that quote about raising kids to be productive members of society, and I am not even sure what I thought that meant?  Does it mean go with the flow?  Follow rules?  Get good jobs?  What is a productive member of society anyway?  It's so general and I cannot even connect with my own words I wrote back then.  It all feels too careful.

I think about my kids as they are growing and I want them to listen to their hearts.  Now what the hell does that mean?  I think it means, when they have an idea and they want to try it, then GO.  If they feel a longing to do something, because that is what their feeling the pull to do, I want them to GO.  If they feel scared, then I hope they GO anyway.

I have been afraid for too long.  I'm not playing anymore.  I've been feeling so afraid for…

Happy New Year!

This time last year I was recovering from a total thyroidectomy and I learned when I went to New York to see my doctor that I was cancer free.  All the cancer was enclosed within the organ they removed.  Yay!

It was just the beginning of figuring out how to live with taking Synthroid every day, just like the rest of the millions of others throughout America.  I had no idea that the thyroid cancer was so prevalent, along with thyroid problems.

I've been slow and steady about feeling more energy and becoming clearer about my health.  It's been helpful to remove sugar, and gluten from my diet.  I'm basically paleo now.  Grateful, grateful grateful.

Here is to a new year of recovering from old ways of doing things that didn't serve me, and continuing to learn to do what does.

One of my first blog posts was about making a routine.  I still have yet to be consistent about that.  I have a new mantra, "A routine is just an organizational chart.  My child will always be i…

Dr. Wayne Dyer's movie, The Shift

***Again old one I didn't publish.  It's okay.  11-26-2016***


I loved his movie.  I love this man.  RIP Dr. Wayne Dyer.    

I am so sad I never got to meet him in person.   There was this secret desire that I would accidentally. serendipitously run into him in Maui one day.  I still feel this little tantrum  deep inside that wants to run at the though of the impossibility of this.

I'm probably closer to him never have met him in person.  Thank Dr. Dyer for all you have done to help me with all of your work.    Thank you for the legacy you've left behind.

Papillary Thyroid Cancer

*** Old post I never published.  Doing it now, better late than never.  It's interesting so see where my mind was at.  **

11.30.2016
I've been diagnosed on November 3rd  with Thyroid cancer.

So what else is new?  Another person with cancer in a society where the word has such a charge, like Voldemort at the beginning of Harry Potter.

I've had all sorts of ideas about cancer in general, mostly that I wouldn't get it.  I think it's something that all young ones think they are going to avoid.  My dear friend is watching his father decline in health, and he texted, "Unfortunately shit happens.  When you are young you feel invincible like it won’t ever get you, but if you stick around long enough, it does."

I know he's hurting as he said that, and I totally get it.  Honestly, I've been in some mental pain since my diagnoses.  What I've been is a in pain in my own ass.  A pain in the neck has a whole new meaning for me now.

I've been like a kid…

Memories in Hawaii

During this last trip I learned to paddle board.  For me it was like riding a bike.  When I first learned to ride a bike, I fell down a lot.  It sucked.  I couldn't do it.  It was a day of frustration.  The same on the paddle board.  A lot of falling, and I had to stop when I was too tired to pull up onto the board anymore.

The second day, something inside my brain clicked and I was up within minutes.  Just like the bike.

I learned:
to look forward, not down,
the paddle is suppose to be in what looks like the backwards position,
I want to work out more when I get home,
I was glad I didn't pay for a lesson,
that when I was tired, I could sit down and paddle,
and I didn't care ever about what anyone thought.

There was one day, I paddled way too far.  I kept head up, watching the houses that were just down the beach from my condo.  Learned some new places to try and snorkel.  When I turned around to come back, I was way outside my imaginary boundary.

Coming back, I focused …