Savoring the Page

I know I haven't been writing lately.  It's been a choice really to decided to put the kids and others first all the time.  Sometimes instead of writing I read instead.  Even if it's a few minutes, I want to put writing into my routine. We just returned home today from a trip to O'Hare airport.  We had a wonderful appointment with a Global Entry officer.  John took two kids and I took two kids, and John's appointment was much faster than mine.  I tend to chat it up whenever I meet someone new. Turned out the officer was a kindred spirit.  I love typewriters, he loves fountain pens.  We talked about the old school way of communicating and how it seems to have become more of a lost art.  He told the kids nothing is better than getting a hand written note in the real mail, and they should consider doing it. I notice how easy it is for me to be so patient with perfect strangers, and the complete opposite towards my children at times.  ...

Okay, LOVED it!  Big thumbs up from this humble reviewer.  I did my best to not give anything away since it's still in theaters. Last night I took my girls to see a movie they had already seen with their dad.  I heard good things from them, and I was intrigued. My attention for this movie was peeked in an article about the writer of a major scene.  Here's a link to the article , about editing the scene caused the writer to cry each time she went through it. Right from the start of the movie, I noticed my emotional reaction to this idealistic fantasy world this fairy comes from.  It was so well done, I wanted to protect it.  The writers, didn't disappoint in drawing me in more by making Malificent the guardian of such a place. The movie had me tearing up throughout because it reached into the depths of sorrow and loss, beauty, and consequences based on the choices of greed, ambition, and love.  Near the end of the movie, I was almost jumping out...

The anniversary for Marilena just nine days past.  I'm still learning on this journey of grief.  I'll always be learning on the journey of life.  I'm more productive since the date has past.  Plus the kids are home from school.  I'm learning how to balance what I want to do with responsibilities. Here is a poem, I wrote to help me process the six year anniversary of my beautiful daughters still birth.  It gave me a taste of release I feel when I write something that's all mine.  I do love writing when I do it. Six years ago.   I suffered. I passed through a death door Parts died. As in thoughts of me  Like... All babies are born safely.  And everything bad in my life is because I failed. My unworthiness. Perfectionism. Separation. I'll always be walking through doors,  Of Acceptance, Of Anger,  Of letting go, Of peace, Love. I can choose every day  How I want to remember. By focusing on m...

June 8 is the six year anniversary for my daughter Marilena's (Mary -Lane- Ah)  still birth at 39 weeks.  Today a grief wave has hit me.  I literally felt knocked down today.  This time I'm reaching out.  I'm writing.  I've been calling friends and when I feel like crying I'm going to let it out.  Even if I have to call a friend over, which I did this morning to watch Luc while I be with what I'm feeling.   Part of me thought, "I thought I was okay with all this."  And most of me is okay, and there's a part of me still kicking and screaming wishing I was celebrating a six year olds birthday soon.  It wants to see her play with her siblings in addition to all the good I have now. When I sit with that feeling and try to imagine my life different than it is now.  It's all fake.  It's forced. Trying to imagine a six year old here can only happen in my imagination.  It's aggravating to try. It can't be better than what I ha...

Here is a previous post from April 1.  April fools! I didn't hit publish. *** I've been away from blogging.  When I'm not writing, I'm so busy with the kids.  I have plenty of excuses like all artists do.  When I'm not writing I'm not happy. My basic problem with not writing stems from not taking time for myself.  Taking such time is something I've only started doing since Luc has been born. I looked up April Fool's day, because I wanted to talk about it with the kids.  The truth is no one really knows.  For me April Fool's is a time to lighten up.  My responsibilities suck the fun out of me most of the time. I've decided to start reading, Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda .  From the first few pages it motivates me to write.  Literally, I get through a few pages, and then I write.  It's such a deep level of inspiration for me.  I can honestly say, I've started the autobiography of Michelle Pacione. ...

The never-ending laundry has been a source of stress for me.  My kids are now old enough to help.  Today, I was putting laundry in the washer, noticing with resentment that no one uses the labeled hampers to sort anything. In a moment, I saw myself, years from now.  And I knew that I was going to miss this laundry, and the little clothes with my WHOLE BEING.  I lovingly separated the undergarments from the inside out jeans.

Okay set the timer again for ten minutes in and I'm just going to let loose, and go.  I know the last time I did this some heavy stuff came out.  And I believe that is where I'm suppose to "go" when I'm letting it all loose.  Maybe blog posts aren't suppose to be free write… open writes… open chakra.  I experienced a closed throat after I did the last free write and I didn't post it.  I felt off, like something was wrong, and I actually believe I stressed myself out by not posting it.  Once I posted it, I felt so much better.   I just want to feel free to say whatever I needed to say.  And the biggest thing for me is feeling free to talk about my transformational journey I'm on. When we went to Hawaii back at the end of September beginning of October, we met this Kahuna name Alalani and she recognized what was happening to me before I did.  She said, “You are experiencing a spiritual awakening and it makes you lonely at times.” ...