Savoring the Page

June 8 is the six year anniversary for my daughter Marilena's (Mary -Lane- Ah)  still birth at 39 weeks.  Today a grief wave has hit me.  I literally felt knocked down today.  This time I'm reaching out.  I'm writing.  I've been calling friends and when I feel like crying I'm going to let it out.  Even if I have to call a friend over, which I did this morning to watch Luc while I be with what I'm feeling.   Part of me thought, "I thought I was okay with all this."  And most of me is okay, and there's a part of me still kicking and screaming wishing I was celebrating a six year olds birthday soon.  It wants to see her play with her siblings in addition to all the good I have now. When I sit with that feeling and try to imagine my life different than it is now.  It's all fake.  It's forced. Trying to imagine a six year old here can only happen in my imagination.  It's aggravating to try. It can't be better than what I ha...

Here is a previous post from April 1.  April fools! I didn't hit publish. *** I've been away from blogging.  When I'm not writing, I'm so busy with the kids.  I have plenty of excuses like all artists do.  When I'm not writing I'm not happy. My basic problem with not writing stems from not taking time for myself.  Taking such time is something I've only started doing since Luc has been born. I looked up April Fool's day, because I wanted to talk about it with the kids.  The truth is no one really knows.  For me April Fool's is a time to lighten up.  My responsibilities suck the fun out of me most of the time. I've decided to start reading, Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda .  From the first few pages it motivates me to write.  Literally, I get through a few pages, and then I write.  It's such a deep level of inspiration for me.  I can honestly say, I've started the autobiography of Michelle Pacione. ...

The never-ending laundry has been a source of stress for me.  My kids are now old enough to help.  Today, I was putting laundry in the washer, noticing with resentment that no one uses the labeled hampers to sort anything. In a moment, I saw myself, years from now.  And I knew that I was going to miss this laundry, and the little clothes with my WHOLE BEING.  I lovingly separated the undergarments from the inside out jeans.

Okay set the timer again for ten minutes in and I'm just going to let loose, and go.  I know the last time I did this some heavy stuff came out.  And I believe that is where I'm suppose to "go" when I'm letting it all loose.  Maybe blog posts aren't suppose to be free write… open writes… open chakra.  I experienced a closed throat after I did the last free write and I didn't post it.  I felt off, like something was wrong, and I actually believe I stressed myself out by not posting it.  Once I posted it, I felt so much better.   I just want to feel free to say whatever I needed to say.  And the biggest thing for me is feeling free to talk about my transformational journey I'm on. When we went to Hawaii back at the end of September beginning of October, we met this Kahuna name Alalani and she recognized what was happening to me before I did.  She said, “You are experiencing a spiritual awakening and it makes you lonely at times.” ...

It's 2:30 pm on March 5th.  I don't have much time so this is going to be a free write blog post.  Here we go.  Setting a 15 minute timer. We had some quality time with the flu at my house for the past two weeks.  This is my first real quiet time.  It's about to end in less than an hour.  Luc is down for his nap.  I cannot believe he is going to be 2 years old soon.  He is such a learning experience.  It's a whole new perspective. This new perspective thing feels like a theme in my life right now.  I've been obsessed with reading this book,  “Joy's Way - A Map for the Transformational Journey” by W. Brugh Joy .  I finished the book today and I feel like I know this guy, or he knows me.  I've been on a transformational journey, and it feels lately like it’s picking up speed.  One pivotal moment feels like the start of it all, because it feels like life before and after this event are two different lifetimes. ...

I'm your earthly mother Not perfect Meant to fall Meant to disappoint Until You can see clearly No excuses It is what it is It's not about me And it's all about me No judgements  No expectations Delete the need to understand And you will And it is

I'm a Audible.com listener, and this is the latest.  It's more of a lecture type format between the two authors. Caroline's voice can come across as very cutting, yet I appreciate her honesty, and love the content.  The passion they both have for the saints was such an education in perspective.  It's a long one but I did enjoy. I see the Virgin Mary in a whole new perspective after that book.  Andrew Harvey has concentrated on the study of the Virgin Mary for most of his career.  And his passion for the story of her life was really moving.  Good stuff. Random notes I wrote to myself while listening: -- The old rules for living that once helped us survive are just not valid anymore.  (I believe she means spiritually.) --- I have a whole new perspective of what a "Dark night of the soul" means.  Gives me a new look at my times of depression and grief. -- Now I want to read stuff that takes me out of my finite self into my infinite self. ...