Savoring the Page

I'm your earthly mother Not perfect Meant to fall Meant to disappoint Until You can see clearly No excuses It is what it is It's not about me And it's all about me No judgements  No expectations Delete the need to understand And you will And it is

I'm a Audible.com listener, and this is the latest.  It's more of a lecture type format between the two authors. Caroline's voice can come across as very cutting, yet I appreciate her honesty, and love the content.  The passion they both have for the saints was such an education in perspective.  It's a long one but I did enjoy. I see the Virgin Mary in a whole new perspective after that book.  Andrew Harvey has concentrated on the study of the Virgin Mary for most of his career.  And his passion for the story of her life was really moving.  Good stuff. Random notes I wrote to myself while listening: -- The old rules for living that once helped us survive are just not valid anymore.  (I believe she means spiritually.) --- I have a whole new perspective of what a "Dark night of the soul" means.  Gives me a new look at my times of depression and grief. -- Now I want to read stuff that takes me out of my finite self into my infinite self. ...

I've been keeping up with a blog of a friend of a friend.  It's called " If Life Gives You Lemons, Just Add Vodka. My fight against breast cancer. "  As of today she is on day 151 of her journey.  I've laughed and cried with her and I've been so very grateful for her example. My friend told me about her blog, and said, "It's like she's holding my my hand through this path she is on."  I'm sending love to Nancie and her friends and family out there in Australia. Australia, now that's a place I've always wanted to go.  I've had a fascination with the place since I was college student in Chicago, a time my kids think must have sucked because the iPhone wasn't invented yet. I was visiting a friend that graduated already with a few friends of mine in Pensacola, Florida for spring break.  He told me about his short time in Sydney in 1995. He went to a bar with his friends, and everyone was ready to let off some steam aft...

"You watch your mind to see who are are not.  I watch my mind to gain a sense of its content, which as always been my pain.  As I watch it, I get a sense of its impermanence.  Thoughts come and go as part of a process.  I see how content dissolves into process and begin to see the patterns in the process.  Realizing it isn't MY suffering, MY pain, it becomes THE pain.  I've gone from the tiny, the small, and the individual to the universal.  I feel OUR pain.  When we do, we go from fear to compassion.  Fear is MY pain, compassion is THE pain. ~ Stephen Levine A dear friend of mine gave this poem to me because she felt it was something good for me to read.  And it knocked me over. This poem feels like it was absolutely written for me.  It's says for me what I cannot say about something in my spirit right now.  I've been realizing since the passing of my daughter, a pivotal life event for me, that the thoughts living in ...

I have not been doing my routines.  What is my deal?  I resist looking at the to do list, even though when I do it, I feel better, great even.  Just writing that makes me determined to do my evening routine, and get back on track.  I’ve just decided to print it out and put it on my bathroom mirror.   Overloaded I was watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday (SSS) on Tuesday night.  DH was out of town, and I was toasted after my third day alone with the kids.  I love my kids.  Why have I been so overloaded?  I know this answer, because I don’t take time for myself.   I have about 25 episodes of SSS stored on my Tivo. I decided on the Carolyn Myss interview.  She was first on Oprah Show about 15 years ago, and I actually remember some of those episodes.  It was a deep conversation about life, and following your purpose.  It resonated with me that not being happy is a choice and a betrayal against myself.  And even ...

I'm learning the only one who punishes me is myself.  I'm learning I've been too hard on myself for too long.  I'm learning most of the time when I’m reacting to something it's because I am reacting to something else. Something I didn’t realize was on my radar. My prayer this year is for clarity.  Lack of this is the reason I've been unable to break patterns in the past.  I’m a master at stuffing my feelings down.  It was only when I was pregnant that I wouldn’t be able to do it.  Therefore, when I was pregnant, as happy as I was, there were times when I suffered because I would just blow from all the stress of trying so hard to keep myself together. I went to get a massage recently, and the massage therapist said, “People don’t realize that the body has memory.  Everything you have ever seen, or done, every breath you’ve ever taken is stored in the cells of your body.  We hold it all.”   “How do you let it go?” I asked. “I don’t...

Here is another thing I've been putting off.  The routine schedule for me and my kids.  I've been so hard on myself about this.  I think I've had to be in order to realize how insane it is to be hard on myself.  Being hard on myself at one time in my life would motivate the shit out of me to get moving.  Now all it does is stall me up. I've been a FLY BABY  for quite a long time.  As in 12 years I've been fluttering with my routines on and off.  For a while I was soaring.  I had so much under control with the house, it gave me confidence.  I became a pro at making the lists and updating and doing them for a while.  I'd fall off the routine thing and then I'd always have a decent Flylady base to get back into it.   Emotional Land mine Then in 2008, I experienced a stillbirth.  I don't want to go into the details of that in this blog post but I'd like to share how grief caused me to get out of a very productive ...