Grief wave hits and knocks me off my feet today.
June 8 is the six year anniversary for my daughter Marilena's (Mary -Lane- Ah) still birth at 39 weeks. Today a grief wave has hit me. I literally felt knocked down today. This time I'm reaching out. I'm writing. I've been calling friends and when I feel like crying I'm going to let it out. Even if I have to call a friend over, which I did this morning to watch Luc while I be with what I'm feeling. Part of me thought, "I thought I was okay with all this." And most of me is okay, and there's a part of me still kicking and screaming wishing I was celebrating a six year olds birthday soon. It wants to see her play with her siblings in addition to all the good I have now. When I sit with that feeling and try to imagine my life different than it is now. It's all fake. It's forced. Trying to imagine a six year old here can only happen in my imagination. It's aggravating to try. It can't be better than what I have right n