Wow, has it been that long?

*** January post.  Here it is. ***

I'm noticing that its been forever since I last posted.  I am noticing the I am not quite the same person I was the last time I took a moment to write here.

I read that quote about raising kids to be productive members of society, and I am not even sure what I thought that meant?  Does it mean go with the flow?  Follow rules?  Get good jobs?  What is a productive member of society anyway?  It's so general and I cannot even connect with my own words I wrote back then.  It all feels too careful.

I think about my kids as they are growing and I want them to listen to their hearts.  Now what the hell does that mean?  I think it means, when they have an idea and they want to try it, then GO.  If they feel a longing to do something, because that is what their feeling the pull to do, I want them to GO.  If they feel scared, then I hope they GO anyway.

I have been afraid for too long.  I'm not playing anymore.  I've been feeling so afraid for so long, and all I'm afraid of isn't even there.

Okay now I feel like that's too floaty too.  Is this just my thoughts coming in trying to shit on my blog post?  Who do I think I am trying to just jump in and friggin' try and write about what is going on in my head?  No one wants to read this crap.  What for?

I see you fear.

Fear of saying something wrong or looking the wrong way.  The fear is so real I wonder if I should change my name on this blog.  Make the thoughts I'm thinking more invisible.  It's a desire to protect from everything.  Am I divulging too much information about myself somehow.  Wow that fear is there and I can feel it in my chest.

Interesting.
What else am I afraid of?

I'm afraid to admit I've been a people pleaser for most of my life. I didn't realize how severe it was until recently.  I've been watching myself and watching my thoughts and how I do things, and it's alway seems to be, that most of what motivates me is from fear of doing things wrong.

I see you again. 

This whole blog thing, it's for me.  It's what I want to do, I want to access the inner space within, the space that holds the space for my life.  And without judgement, I join in the spacious place that I hit when I am in meditation. 

I enjoy typing and writing right now because I can access that space to feel free.  The space where I feel like I can be anything I want to or not and all is well, and all will be well anyway.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Savoring the Lemons

I've been keeping up with a blog of a friend of a friend.  It's called " If Life Gives You Lemons, Just Add Vodka. My fight against breast cancer. "  As of today she is on day 151 of her journey.  I've laughed and cried with her and I've been so very grateful for her example. My friend told me about her blog, and said, "It's like she's holding my my hand through this path she is on."  I'm sending love to Nancie and her friends and family out there in Australia. Australia, now that's a place I've always wanted to go.  I've had a fascination with the place since I was college student in Chicago, a time my kids think must have sucked because the iPhone wasn't invented yet. I was visiting a friend that graduated already with a few friends of mine in Pensacola, Florida for spring break.  He told me about his short time in Sydney in 1995. He went to a bar with his friends, and everyone was ready to let off some steam aft...
Read more

So much to talk about, nothing to talk about

I'm in a hyper aware (of myself) mode lately.  This one has been coming undone. I keep writing in my journal, "something is happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear."  I believe I have been writing that particular fragment of a song in my journal for years.  (Then the song plays in my busy mind.)  Only lately, as in the past few years it feels more true.  Something has been happening, there is a genuine breaking apart of myself.  Self is dying. I'm talking about the one that was so worried about stuff.  I see how I have stressed about the looks on faces.  Unconsciously I'd worry when I didn't see something.   There had to be some kind of acknowledgment or approval... come on, at least neutral. When I'd be completely snubbed, I'd feel like I was in trouble.  Wow.  I had no f#@&*ing idea.  This concept was running in my head unchecked for, like, ever. I literally set a timer on my phone to relax.  I have been...
Read more

Happy Labor Day

I finally went to see " Guardians of the Galaxy"  and I loved it.  I loved everything about it.  The music, the story, the attitude, the flawed characters. It was fun, and it'll be part of my "change my energy" movie list, when I need to get out of a funk.  Don't get me wrong,  a walk and working out is a fine way to get out of a low mood.  I reluctantly admit a good movie can do the same thing. I'm not good at hanging out on my exercise equipment and watching a movie.  It just feels too disconnected.  When I work out I try to go as hard as I can for the shortest amount of time as possible. I've been using the workouts from MyThoughtCoach.com  for years.  I've taken a break for a while, but I feel the pull to get back into the interval work outs.
Read more