Savoring the Page

I finally went to see " Guardians of the Galaxy"  and I loved it.  I loved everything about it.  The music, the story, the attitude, the flawed characters. It was fun, and it'll be part of my "change my energy" movie list, when I need to get out of a funk.  Don't get me wrong,  a walk and working out is a fine way to get out of a low mood.  I reluctantly admit a good movie can do the same thing. I'm not good at hanging out on my exercise equipment and watching a movie.  It just feels too disconnected.  When I work out I try to go as hard as I can for the shortest amount of time as possible. I've been using the workouts from MyThoughtCoach.com  for years.  I've taken a break for a while, but I feel the pull to get back into the interval work outs.

I know I haven't been writing lately.  It's been a choice really to decided to put the kids and others first all the time.  Sometimes instead of writing I read instead.  Even if it's a few minutes, I want to put writing into my routine. We just returned home today from a trip to O'Hare airport.  We had a wonderful appointment with a Global Entry officer.  John took two kids and I took two kids, and John's appointment was much faster than mine.  I tend to chat it up whenever I meet someone new. Turned out the officer was a kindred spirit.  I love typewriters, he loves fountain pens.  We talked about the old school way of communicating and how it seems to have become more of a lost art.  He told the kids nothing is better than getting a hand written note in the real mail, and they should consider doing it. I notice how easy it is for me to be so patient with perfect strangers, and the complete opposite towards my children at times.  I'd like to work on that.

Okay, LOVED it!  Big thumbs up from this humble reviewer.  I did my best to not give anything away since it's still in theaters. Last night I took my girls to see a movie they had already seen with their dad.  I heard good things from them, and I was intrigued. My attention for this movie was peeked in an article about the writer of a major scene.  Here's a link to the article , about editing the scene caused the writer to cry each time she went through it. Right from the start of the movie, I noticed my emotional reaction to this idealistic fantasy world this fairy comes from.  It was so well done, I wanted to protect it.  The writers, didn't disappoint in drawing me in more by making Malificent the guardian of such a place. The movie had me tearing up throughout because it reached into the depths of sorrow and loss, beauty, and consequences based on the choices of greed, ambition, and love.  Near the end of the movie, I was almost jumping out of my seat during the

The anniversary for Marilena just nine days past.  I'm still learning on this journey of grief.  I'll always be learning on the journey of life.  I'm more productive since the date has past.  Plus the kids are home from school.  I'm learning how to balance what I want to do with responsibilities. Here is a poem, I wrote to help me process the six year anniversary of my beautiful daughters still birth.  It gave me a taste of release I feel when I write something that's all mine.  I do love writing when I do it. Six years ago.   I suffered. I passed through a death door Parts died. As in thoughts of me  Like... All babies are born safely.  And everything bad in my life is because I failed. My unworthiness. Perfectionism. Separation. I'll always be walking through doors,  Of Acceptance, Of Anger,  Of letting go, Of peace, Love. I can choose every day  How I want to remember. By focusing on my lessons Here. While you focus on yours  Where

June 8 is the six year anniversary for my daughter Marilena's (Mary -Lane- Ah)  still birth at 39 weeks.  Today a grief wave has hit me.  I literally felt knocked down today.  This time I'm reaching out.  I'm writing.  I've been calling friends and when I feel like crying I'm going to let it out.  Even if I have to call a friend over, which I did this morning to watch Luc while I be with what I'm feeling.   Part of me thought, "I thought I was okay with all this."  And most of me is okay, and there's a part of me still kicking and screaming wishing I was celebrating a six year olds birthday soon.  It wants to see her play with her siblings in addition to all the good I have now. When I sit with that feeling and try to imagine my life different than it is now.  It's all fake.  It's forced. Trying to imagine a six year old here can only happen in my imagination.  It's aggravating to try. It can't be better than what I have right n

Here is a previous post from April 1.  April fools! I didn't hit publish. *** I've been away from blogging.  When I'm not writing, I'm so busy with the kids.  I have plenty of excuses like all artists do.  When I'm not writing I'm not happy. My basic problem with not writing stems from not taking time for myself.  Taking such time is something I've only started doing since Luc has been born. I looked up April Fool's day, because I wanted to talk about it with the kids.  The truth is no one really knows.  For me April Fool's is a time to lighten up.  My responsibilities suck the fun out of me most of the time. I've decided to start reading, Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda .  From the first few pages it motivates me to write.  Literally, I get through a few pages, and then I write.  It's such a deep level of inspiration for me.  I can honestly say, I've started the autobiography of Michelle Pacione.  I really sta

The never-ending laundry has been a source of stress for me.  My kids are now old enough to help.  Today, I was putting laundry in the washer, noticing with resentment that no one uses the labeled hampers to sort anything. In a moment, I saw myself, years from now.  And I knew that I was going to miss this laundry, and the little clothes with my WHOLE BEING.  I lovingly separated the undergarments from the inside out jeans.

Okay set the timer again for ten minutes in and I'm just going to let loose, and go.  I know the last time I did this some heavy stuff came out.  And I believe that is where I'm suppose to "go" when I'm letting it all loose.  Maybe blog posts aren't suppose to be free write… open writes… open chakra.  I experienced a closed throat after I did the last free write and I didn't post it.  I felt off, like something was wrong, and I actually believe I stressed myself out by not posting it.  Once I posted it, I felt so much better.   I just want to feel free to say whatever I needed to say.  And the biggest thing for me is feeling free to talk about my transformational journey I'm on. When we went to Hawaii back at the end of September beginning of October, we met this Kahuna name Alalani and she recognized what was happening to me before I did.  She said, “You are experiencing a spiritual awakening and it makes you lonely at times.”  She was so

It's 2:30 pm on March 5th.  I don't have much time so this is going to be a free write blog post.  Here we go.  Setting a 15 minute timer. We had some quality time with the flu at my house for the past two weeks.  This is my first real quiet time.  It's about to end in less than an hour.  Luc is down for his nap.  I cannot believe he is going to be 2 years old soon.  He is such a learning experience.  It's a whole new perspective. This new perspective thing feels like a theme in my life right now.  I've been obsessed with reading this book,  “Joy's Way - A Map for the Transformational Journey” by W. Brugh Joy .  I finished the book today and I feel like I know this guy, or he knows me.  I've been on a transformational journey, and it feels lately like it’s picking up speed.  One pivotal moment feels like the start of it all, because it feels like life before and after this event are two different lifetimes. June 8, 2008 when I gave birth to a st

I'm your earthly mother Not perfect Meant to fall Meant to disappoint Until You can see clearly No excuses It is what it is It's not about me And it's all about me No judgements  No expectations Delete the need to understand And you will And it is

I'm a Audible.com listener, and this is the latest.  It's more of a lecture type format between the two authors. Caroline's voice can come across as very cutting, yet I appreciate her honesty, and love the content.  The passion they both have for the saints was such an education in perspective.  It's a long one but I did enjoy. I see the Virgin Mary in a whole new perspective after that book.  Andrew Harvey has concentrated on the study of the Virgin Mary for most of his career.  And his passion for the story of her life was really moving.  Good stuff. Random notes I wrote to myself while listening: -- The old rules for living that once helped us survive are just not valid anymore.  (I believe she means spiritually.) --- I have a whole new perspective of what a "Dark night of the soul" means.  Gives me a new look at my times of depression and grief. -- Now I want to read stuff that takes me out of my finite self into my infinite self. She said look

I've been keeping up with a blog of a friend of a friend.  It's called " If Life Gives You Lemons, Just Add Vodka. My fight against breast cancer. "  As of today she is on day 151 of her journey.  I've laughed and cried with her and I've been so very grateful for her example. My friend told me about her blog, and said, "It's like she's holding my my hand through this path she is on."  I'm sending love to Nancie and her friends and family out there in Australia. Australia, now that's a place I've always wanted to go.  I've had a fascination with the place since I was college student in Chicago, a time my kids think must have sucked because the iPhone wasn't invented yet. I was visiting a friend that graduated already with a few friends of mine in Pensacola, Florida for spring break.  He told me about his short time in Sydney in 1995. He went to a bar with his friends, and everyone was ready to let off some steam aft

"You watch your mind to see who are are not.  I watch my mind to gain a sense of its content, which as always been my pain.  As I watch it, I get a sense of its impermanence.  Thoughts come and go as part of a process.  I see how content dissolves into process and begin to see the patterns in the process.  Realizing it isn't MY suffering, MY pain, it becomes THE pain.  I've gone from the tiny, the small, and the individual to the universal.  I feel OUR pain.  When we do, we go from fear to compassion.  Fear is MY pain, compassion is THE pain. ~ Stephen Levine A dear friend of mine gave this poem to me because she felt it was something good for me to read.  And it knocked me over. This poem feels like it was absolutely written for me.  It's says for me what I cannot say about something in my spirit right now.  I've been realizing since the passing of my daughter, a pivotal life event for me, that the thoughts living in my head are mostly lies, yes MOST of t

I have not been doing my routines.  What is my deal?  I resist looking at the to do list, even though when I do it, I feel better, great even.  Just writing that makes me determined to do my evening routine, and get back on track.  I’ve just decided to print it out and put it on my bathroom mirror.   Overloaded I was watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday (SSS) on Tuesday night.  DH was out of town, and I was toasted after my third day alone with the kids.  I love my kids.  Why have I been so overloaded?  I know this answer, because I don’t take time for myself.   I have about 25 episodes of SSS stored on my Tivo. I decided on the Carolyn Myss interview.  She was first on Oprah Show about 15 years ago, and I actually remember some of those episodes.  It was a deep conversation about life, and following your purpose.  It resonated with me that not being happy is a choice and a betrayal against myself.  And even though I didn’t get through the whole episode, I added a bunch of

I'm learning the only one who punishes me is myself.  I'm learning I've been too hard on myself for too long.  I'm learning most of the time when I’m reacting to something it's because I am reacting to something else. Something I didn’t realize was on my radar. My prayer this year is for clarity.  Lack of this is the reason I've been unable to break patterns in the past.  I’m a master at stuffing my feelings down.  It was only when I was pregnant that I wouldn’t be able to do it.  Therefore, when I was pregnant, as happy as I was, there were times when I suffered because I would just blow from all the stress of trying so hard to keep myself together. I went to get a massage recently, and the massage therapist said, “People don’t realize that the body has memory.  Everything you have ever seen, or done, every breath you’ve ever taken is stored in the cells of your body.  We hold it all.”   “How do you let it go?” I asked. “I don’t know, I’m not sure

Here is another thing I've been putting off.  The routine schedule for me and my kids.  I've been so hard on myself about this.  I think I've had to be in order to realize how insane it is to be hard on myself.  Being hard on myself at one time in my life would motivate the shit out of me to get moving.  Now all it does is stall me up. I've been a FLY BABY  for quite a long time.  As in 12 years I've been fluttering with my routines on and off.  For a while I was soaring.  I had so much under control with the house, it gave me confidence.  I became a pro at making the lists and updating and doing them for a while.  I'd fall off the routine thing and then I'd always have a decent Flylady base to get back into it.   Emotional Land mine Then in 2008, I experienced a stillbirth.  I don't want to go into the details of that in this blog post but I'd like to share how grief caused me to get out of a very productive time in my life.  I dropped

I've been hesitating for a long time about this.  Maybe I'm alone in this, but I've been afraid to come out of my shell.  Somehow, creating a blog is my way of doing this.  It's my way saying to myself in the best way I know how, Hey you can do this.  Maybe someone will read it, and any kind of response will help motivate you.  Anything from anyone is better than nothing at all. So hi world wide web. I've done it.  I'm here, and I'm going to start posting about all the things that I want to savor.  I want to savor my lessons in this life and learn them in the most positive manner.  I want to savor my husband, my children, my shelter, my food, my drink, and yes, even my water. My favorite book is The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien and I've read that book many times.  It's beautiful to get lost in the words of story. I savor each page. How I feel about that savoring process fills me with passion and energy.  I don't see a reason why this couldn'